SOLILOQUIO
Yesterday I did it again, and this morning and last week too. I can't help it, it is a superior force that pushes me. And then there is that voice… that powerful voice that uses crazy arguments that to me, for some strange reason, they seem logical and adequate to me. I don't know what kind of power it has over me, but he has it.
I have reflected, cried and thought. I have been sleepless for many nights scrupulously examining our situation and have always reached the same conclusion… “do not do anything, don't interfere with fate, Yes it's for you, it will be, do not contact him again, he already knows where you are and he's older, if he wants to locate you, he will, a man stirs heaven and earth for the woman he loves”… and millions of phrases of similar meaning that you recommend me, simply, stay still.
Well, no sir! Suddenly a memory of his comes to mind and there I am, sending him messages and staying glued to the phone hoping for his answer. And the worst thing is to check that he has read me and does not respond. At that moment all the doubts in the world and my thoughts are unleashed, emotions and actions begin to revolve around your absence on the other side.
Feeling ignored hurts, but it's so much worse to feel ridiculous, think about it laughing at me out loud while planning what to wear in the next message for… feather. This is a recurring and quite annoying idea that I still don't know why it frequently comes to my head. I imagine him standing, always standing, looking at his mobile from above while reading the message that appears on his screen, mine. Then tilt your head a little to the left, slightly, and showing her self-sufficiency in a half smile she thinks how stupid I am, how crazy I am for him and what he will have to do to not look bad with me, because under the circumstances it should not look bad with me… “look how heavy, I don't want anything with her and she keeps insisting. Let's see if he gets tired and leaves me alone!”
And me, when I feel it thinking of myself in those terms, I notice how the lump that lives in my throat tightens, My cheeks turn red and I end up saying hello to the shame that comes to visit again and I know that it will not leave until a pi pi leaves my cell phone and a message from him restores my sanity.
I've thought about what I'll say to put an end to our non-relationship, I have it well planned, I don't know when or why, I don't know if he will understand either, but it is the phrase that expresses my instantaneous departure from his life for no apparent reason. I will tell: ” I met you when you were having a bad time and almost without realizing it I decided to help you overcome it. Now I see you phenomenal, you're fine and you walk alone. There is no reason to continue by your side, I think I have nothing to offer you and that I no longer paint anything in your life, goodbye”.
I know, you have to have a lot of courage and very little shame to say this to someone who passes on you, But look, having a reputation for being a little over there has advantages of this type, you can say what you want and do strange things because no one will blame it on anything in particular, at most they can end their gossip with a “is that she is like that”. I suppose that after such a statement the shame I will feel will be so great that it will never occur to me to contact him again, but at least I will have blamed him for his disgrace.
It's okay, that's enough!, I can't keep lying to myself, What I really would like is that such a statement was followed by an excessive interest in my person., but of course, here we enter the land of dreams, illusions and utopias. And in this space I prefer to believe that he loves me and is crazy about me.
She goes out with others and I know it, does not hide it, but why would I have to? Either way when it comes to betrayal I'm quite flexible, betrayal can be kissing another, talk to another or just smile at her, deep down it all comes down to a simple call to order… “¡oye!, I feel upset because you direct your attention elsewhere and being the center of your entire existence is an honor that corresponds to me”… As I am clear that your attention is anywhere but me, the theme of treason I can say, without fear of being wrong, that I have totally overcome it.
But, What I don't understand is why the hell it doesn't correspond to me. If it's a strategy to go crazy for him, he is doing great. If it is a strategy to go crazy without more, Also works. I believe that with a marked and continued disinterest on my part it would be enough for him to react. Yes, this method would be simple and effective. But of course, Who is the pretty one who happens to the boy who likes?
Well that pretty, it must be me. There is no other remedy. I have to do it. And the moment is now… or better when I am ashamed of the messages I sent today.
Concepción Hernández. All rights reserved.